GG Miller

I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

What is always in front of you but can’t be seen?

I’m tall when I’m young, and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?

College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you, or they'll send your kid back.

When people say they get ho's: You don't get no ho's, the only ho's you get is in yo draws.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

But, smoking bacon will cure it!

Two wrongs don't make a right. Take your parents as an example.

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

What has a head, a tail, but no body?

Jake: Can I go outside?

Mom: Did you clean your room?

Jake: No.

Mom: Then f*ck no.

Jake: Alright, bet.

(Brother named No)

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.

Why did the dinosaur take a bath?

So it can get ex-stinked!